Changing seasons

I miss the sun. Like a bear, retreating into its cave to hibernate, it is never around anymore. Hidden by the thick clouds of autumn from dusk to dawn, and almost always bearing heavenly tears. I lost all concept of time. I would open my eyes in the morning, and wonder, what time it even is...for the mornings are always foggy and glum. And the early nights left me going home in the cold and dark every day.

Murky and gloomy, in any radius that I turn to.

The worst thing about the rain is that it makes my way slippery, with all the heaped, drenched fallen leaves and slimy earth worms squirming on the god forsaken ground. Somewhat mushy. I have this vivid image of my ass hitting the pavement as I try to chase after the bus. Though I must admit, I almost sprained my ankle once...but ego sent a limping me onto the bus anyway.

I used to wait impatiently for spring to approach. Where Mother Nature just spills on her canvas with wild flowers of prismatic hues, random patterns of abstract in her choice of arrangement. I love sitting in the vast patches of yellow and purple flowers in the park an der Ilm. Heavenly. To lay down among the flowers and honeybees and just read a good book, and pray that they don't sting me. Eheh.

Somehow, my mood always matches the changing seasons.

But something changed. Albeit the dreary environment around me, I don't feel like autumn anymore. And I don't dread the winter that is yet to come.

Cause in my heart, it is already spring.

Midnight

Tired as my eyes are, the idea of sleeping seems foreign to me. I noticed for these past few days that each time I made the decision to skim through the vast collection of my photos on my iPhoto, a glance at Daniel's random pictures would always start with a grin. A grin which somehow turned into a grimace in a matter of seconds. And the tears started welling up simultaneously.

And I quickly turn the iPhotos off.

Should I have lingered at his photo? Should I see more of them? Not that it makes me feel any better when I see them. And not that depression is an alien concept to me now anyway.

Maybe I did make a mistake by sending him back to Malaysia. Maybe I didn't. But at THAT time, it seemed like the best thing to do. Especially for the reasons that I did. And though I miss him, I don't regret the decision that I made, especially due to it being for his best interest.

But still... My cheeky little rapper....

A brighter Monday

Remember my previous post? Where I quizzed you on how long will it take before THIS lone, female engineering student change her lightbulb?

Well, yesterday I had some friends over for lunch. Two good friends. And these guys, so gallantly helped me take the cover off the lamp, AND unscrew the bulb. My heroes. Thanks guys. Eheh. And today, after I met Christiane, a friend from FIB, the other institute that I am attached to, I actually bought a non-Ikea bulb. So after three days that the lightbulb blew out (it blew out Saturday morning), I changed it.

Three freaking days.

But dark as it may be in my somewhat minuscule apartment, I was seriously, happy. Coz for once, the darkness didn't radiate from me.

I wrote this some time ago when I suddenly remembered the movie, Alice through the looking glass. And it just came to me. Though for whatever reasons I might have written it before, right here, right now, I am reciting this to Daniel.

It has been long since I stood before this mirror
Full of regret and a heavy sigh in my heart
I see in the reflection what wasn’t there once before
Tiny lines made by frowns of disappointment
Taking place of where silly smiles used to play
Shadowy eyes penetrating to the darkness inside
Replacing the eager brightness of my eyes
I see in the mirror just a reflection
Of a girl who had lost her spark
Lost her hopes and dreams and spirit
A girl who no longer wants to live this spiteful life
And I let her be.

It was quite some time before I decided
To go there once more and stand before myself
And to see the pitiful me that I just hate
Though my heart starts to anticipate
I braced myself before the mirror
And I had to look in ever so closely
Coz in the mirror changes I can see
The corners of my lips had an upward twitch
Eyes just shining with life and hope
Rosy cheeks and glowing skin
And I wonder if that reflection is even me
How can this even be?

Until I looked in the mirror in scrutiny
And I found your reflection smiling back at me.

Candlelight

Here I am in the dark, with only the flickering light from the flames and the glow from my illuminated screen to keep me company. It is 7:04 pm now, already 1 1/2 hours since it got dark. As empty as my apartment may be, I feel somewhat peaceful. Not a sound can be heard, save for the occasional spray of my automated Airwick fragrance dispenser, shaking me out of my deaf world every half an hour.

It surprises me every single time.

It's ironic how one can be surrounded with family and friends, but still feel lonely. A lingering smile, playing on one's lips to portray happiness. But look closely, and you could see that the smile doesn't even reach the eyes. Empty. Laughter that sounds so hollow, as hollow as the heart deep within.

It is not easy to pretend.

But it is even stranger that amidst of being alone, one could feel so connected. So happy, despite the non existent company. Laughter so sincere that one can sense the honesty ringing in its trail. A soul, like a bird who was just granted its freedom. It soars high and sees the world from a different view. A view it has over time, forgotten.

I am content.

How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well, it's more like 'How does a lone, female engineering student change her lightbulb?'

I seriously do not know...

The lightbulb at my place blew this morning. My first ever virgin lightbulb blow out. And since my house consists of just this one room, it only has 1 light.

Yeah, of course I know the basic. Switch off the main switch, get on a ladder, screw off, then screw on, and that's it. Yay...

Well, the first problem is that today is a holiday in Germany. Reformationstag, if I'm not mistaken. That means ALL the shops are closed, save for cafes and restaurants. AND I have no lightbulbs. I rummaged around and found this vase shaped lightbulb that I thought I could use, but it's like 25 W, and all my 'engineer' senses kicked in and told me that doesn't make sense. But I decided to give it a try anyway.

So I took my stepping chair and placed it under the lamp, after I switched the mains off, of course. Me no stoopid.

And I discovered that my delicate fingers and extra long fingernails (that I use very well, thank you), could not pry the cover off the lamp. So now, not only can't I change the lightbulb, I can't even check to see what lightbulbs I need to buy on Monday (yeah, the shops close on Sunday too). And in autumn, it gets dark at 6 pm. And even if I do know which lightbulbs to get, I can't change it myself.

Oh, what is a poor lonely helpless student to do?

Good thing I have candles. And depressing music.

Hmmm...Gives one ideas...

Okay, new question.

How long will it take before THIS lone, female engineering student change her lightbulb?' I'll keep you updated.

Every waking second...

Autumn is my favourite time.

The falling leaves with hues of maroon and orange and gold, just dancing in the sunlight while slowly making its final journey, falling limp and lifeless on the ground. As lifeless as my days.

Autumn was my favourite time.

I barely notice anymore. I walk to and from in the wonders that I once enjoyed so much that I would stop and admire a newly fallen leaf in my hand, taking it with me as I merrily go on with my journey. Now no more. I just count the hours to pass by...stuck in the middle of the world changing around me as they bustle about me. And me, in the middle, just stationary.

Because time now hold me no meaning, and yet, everything.

The silence is eerie.

Sleep. It is like heaven to me now. Every passing second lost in slumber gives me false belief that this ordeal will pass me by. That things will get better in my wake. But as I lay down to sleep on my make shift bed, I can hear the clock ticking in the hallway. Every passing second is like hours passing by, taunting me as I try to slumber. My small fridge would just rev up suddenly, it's mechanic lullaby somewhat calming me down by drowning the infinite ticking of the clock, so that I am lost in time.

Time can be cruel.

Long days. Lonely nights.

That stupid book

I remember reading my elder brother's books when I was in my teens. Always some alien sci-fi novels that you know...you read a few pages and then was suddenly faced with the options like....if he takes the trip on some alien space shuttle, turn to page 19...if he decides to stay on the planet that he was initially on, turn to page 45. What do we call those type of books anyway? (Oh and thanks gals, for talking crap and not helping wekekeke) I always turn up dead in those books. Got hit by something. My drink turned out to be poison. Eaten by aliens.

I hated it.

I always cheated while reading those books. Turn to page 19, peeked to see that the space shuttle was full of brain eating aliens and I was the main dish, then try turning to page 45, only to see that I got hit by a drunk driver while crossing the road to my freaking house.

So I did what any sane person would do...flip the book back to the last choice I made and start over from there, but I still end up being alien buffet. And so I flipped further back. Now I'm lying in a hospital bed with no arms and legs, which I lost while escaping the aliens.

See...I never win.

It's funny how twisted (and sick) those stories could be. And even more ironic that I can never make the right choices. Be the alien killer, salvage the space shuttle, and rescue the blue alien princess.

Because after all, if I have had made the right choices, shouldn't I be king of the alien planet?

But then again, as proven by those stupid books, I'm just alien dinner material. I lose in any freaking world or lifetime.

Oh I forgot. There IS no do over in life.

So BBQ me already...

Just one word

Tag from Merl. Heheh I just sooo need to to keep me off work. Wakaka...

USING ONLY ONE WORD! It's not as easy as you might think! Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on by tagging your friends. It's really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to tag the person you received it from!

1. Where is your cell phone? - Desk
2. Your significant other? - Daniel
3. Your hair? - Highlighted
4. Your mother? - Nags
5. Your father? - Silent
6. Your favorite place? - Heart
7. Your dream last night? - None
8. Your favorite drink? - Milo
9. Your dream/goal? - Happiness
10. What room you are in? - University
11. Your hobby? - Write
12. Your fear? - Failure
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? - Content
14. Where were you last night? - Home
15. Something that you aren't? - Patient
16. Muffins? - Chocolate
17. Wish list item? - Granada
18. Where you grew up? - STF
19. Last thing you did? - Walked
20. What are you wearing? - Turtleneck
21. Your TV? - Off
22. Your pet(s)? - Teddybear
23. Friends? - Hotline
24. Your life? - Better
25. Your mood? - Happy
26. Missing someone? - Yes
27. Car? - None
28. Something you're not wearing? - Tudung (buley? waaaakakakaakaka)
29. Your favorite store? - Zara
30. Your favorite color? - Maroon
33. When is the last time you laughed? - Today
34. Last time you cried? - Yesterday
35. Who will resend this? - Bloggers
36. One place that I go to over and over? - Memories
37. One person who emails me regularly? - Eheh

I'm tagging anyone who has time on their hands.

Sweet Dreams

I wonder what dream Daniel is having now...if he remembers me at night.

Cold cuts

It's 4 more hours to meeting my SV, so I guess I'll write about what's on my mind.

Writing is something I can't really do whenever. When it comes, it comes. But when it doesn't, I can just sit there with my fingers ready to punch these hard gray keys, but nothing flows.

Blank.

I pride myself to be a strong willed person. To never need anyone as much...making sure that the only person I can rely on to is me. Especially the important stuff. I built a fortress around myself for the very reasons kings back in the medieval times built castles on top of a hill, to keep out enemies. Life made it necessary for me to do that.

I learnt it the hard way.

I make sure that I feel within reasons, nothing to jeopardize myself. I used to hear said to me when I was a little girl, be with someone who loves you more. So if that's the case, does the idea of 'You jump, I jump' made famous in Titanic even make sense? It's illogical. What about the survival of the fittest theory we always see on the Discovery Channel? Doesn't that seem right?

I acknowledged a long time ago that feelings are bad.

But life can be full of surprises. No. Can just can't be used here. Life IS full of surprises. You could just be minding your own damn business, thinking you're safe under all the false securities you constructed around yourself like an invisible force field, until life springs one on you. And you, despite all your preparations, find out that you're not so prepared after all. You're just screwed. That you have just been proven wrong after all this while. Like a huge stinging slap across your surprised face. You find out how vulnerable you really are. How exposed.

Just like a huge meat market up for pick.